Archive for 2004/01/29

How to be a Wussy Parent

First, attend this class.
In order to keep our Foster License up to date, we are required to attend “X” number of classes every two years. Unfortunately, this is the latest one we have to attend.
Normally I don’t rail on these classes. While they are a bit off-base, they can work. That is, if you have a child who listens 100% of the time and doesn’t suffer from any disorders (like ADHD). But tonight was the end, tonight was the night where I finally said in class “Excuse me, but that makes absolutely no sense.”
These classes have a large number of group exercises where you are to imagine certain phrases and what they mean to children. They broke it up into columns, one for “Statements” and one for “Discouraging Message”.
Let’s start of with an easy one. Did you know the phrase “Be Careful” is a dangerous phrase? According to the “Discouraging Message” column, it means “The World is a Scary Place”. Hey, Dr. Alpo, is this news to you? Guess what, the world is a dangerous place, or haven’t you pulled your head out of the academia ass it’s been shoved up in for the past ten years. 100% of the human population has a good chance of dying, some more sooner than others. But according to these nutjobs, I should say “Make Good Choices”. Now what the #@$# is that. “Make Good Choices”. Oh wait, maybe I’m implying to my child that his “Choice/Decision Making” policy could be screwed up because he might think that I’m worried he will make “Wrong” choices. Thanks Dad, now I’ll try to avoid robbing the liquor store.
BTW, it gets better. Watch out for this zinger:
“Not So High, Not So Fast” : “Live Life at 60%”
So instead of telling my son, who just got his first snowboard this weekend, to go down the smaller slope first as opposed to the “Wile E. Coyote Memorial Hill” when he got out of the car, I was holding back his “youthful zeal”. Give me a frigging break. I was trying to save the damn kid from winning a Darwin Award.
BTW, there are fourteen of them, but this will be my last comment on it…
“Be Nice or Good” : “You are usually not a nice or good person”
“Oh, sorry Grandma that the kids kicked you out from your cane and flushed your cat down the toilet. Now kids…you should make better choices.”
When the hell did good parenting get replaced with negotiatiing with your kids for everything. And what are the effects of raising a kid in a “Confrontation Free” environment? Does the kid have better “Coping” skills or does he get his ass reamed the first week of college?
Frankly, I’ll stick with the “Beneficial Dictatorship” method that works quite well in our house.


Yes, my daughter’s orthodontist probably ordered the leather package for his new boat today.